Why do i love him so?

Here I am sitting in my room, looking out of the balcony at the beautiful rain and peacefully listening to Enrique – “I have always loved you.” Its one of my favourite songs of all times not only because of the singer, but the song in itself strikes a chord in my heart. Deep in my heart, in one corner, I have one possession that I have guarded very jealously over the years. The one person whom I love, the one guy I have been crazy about since I was a little girl in pigtails. That is the term he gave me. I still can’t forget. He has been my best friend and then now, my love.

Why do I love him so? What is so special about him? For more than ten years now I have been trying hard to figure out the answers to those questions. But it has eluded me so far. Maybe I should stop pursuing the logic and wait for it to just come to me, just like chasing butterflies never gets you close to them. But once you stop going behind them, they might just come and settle on your fingers. I kept telling myself that this was just a schoolgirl crush that I couldn’t get off my mind, but when this crush turned into an obsession, I certainly do not know.

It started out just as any ordinary friendship while at school. I did have a crush on him in the sixth grade. “Is that an age to have a crush?” you wonder. Well yes and that was some time back in 1996. So it has now been about twelve years to be precise. We finished our elementary school and parted ways. After that I neither saw him nor heard from him but kept him strongly alive in my heart and in my memories.

Years later, we were destined to meet at a bus-stop, both being at a loss for words. I vividly remember coming back home and wondering if I had just been dreaming? No I hadn’t, it definitely was him, couldn’t have been anybody else!

We were both soon rediscovering each other, but still I held back from him all the feelings that I felt. How could I tell him all that? How would he react? I had just found my friend after almost seven years and I was in no hurry to lose him. I had to give it time. But on that particular day, his call took me by surprise, not more than what he had to say though. He told me about the feelings that he had for ever since we were in school, it left me astounded. How could two people be feeling the same thing for each other and yet both hesitated on their part to let the other person know. Then what made him tell me all this that day? Why hadn’t he told me earlier? Was it the same fear of losing the one you love? We both remembered the same incidents, the games we played together, the fights which seemed trivial now and above them all was the feelings, the love and the passion that burnt in each other’s hearts.

Time slowly crept and we both finished our college, and all through we were there for each other, helping out or just listening to the grandiose dreams for the future and sometimes only remembering the treasured memories. This was how our college days were spent, not exactly by meeting each other but mostly over the telephone. With our college now over, we had to think of our futures and plan for it. But how would we go about it? I left the country to pursue my higher education, but he was rarely out of my thoughts. We still held a very special place in each other’s hearts, one that no one could take away.

Deep down, I knew I belonged to him. I don’t know when this crush turned into love but I do know that I do not want to let go. Through these years I have learnt one thing though. Love has different forms and mine has taken the form where I have to let go. I cherish him more than anything in this world and just can’t see him hurt. I love him, I have said these words to myself so many times and yet those don’t cease to amaze me. Love is not just about holding on. My love for him is about knowing that I love him yet also knowing that I have to let go.

Back to answering questions? Why do I love him so? There might be many who know him and yet I do take pride in knowing him the best. When I look at him today, I don’t see the accomplished designer who is now pursuing his masters degree, instead I see the same guy I fell for over fourteen years ago, I see innocence and a vulnerability. When I look at him, I have the urge to hug him at tell him that everything is going to be just fine and that he needn’t worry. And worry he does. He is the kind of person who would call me and tell me that he hasn’t achieved much in his life and he isn’t being ambitious. But who would want a practical monotonous life with no love. I would rather be stuck to him, he who has a profound understanding of life and strives to live it in his own terms.

Whenever I look back at the times that I have spent with him, I just remember them with exuberance and ecstasy, each and every moment with him. I remember my childhood days with pleasure and he sure is one of the reasons for that,Whenever I am with him, I lose all sense of rationality and nothing seems wrong, what matters is that I am with him. Is this what love is all about? I guess so. The more I think about it, the more I love it.

He is a very simple person with no pretence whatsoever, why wouldn’t I love him. We have had our share disagreements but we have pulled through them. I love the way he says my name and I love the way he looks into my eyes. I am indeed forever smitten, no backing out now. I love the way he cares for me and to be shamefully honest, I love his possessiveness . One thing that I am sure of, I can be myself with him, not having to worry about putting up a façade that isn’t me. He loves me for who I am and I know that he understands me completely. The one other thing I love about him is who I am when I am with him. Sometimes he is like a little kid who just needs to be royally pampered and at times he needs to be reprimanded. he is my best friend, always there for me in my times of need as i hope to be for him, Nevertheless, he is all mine and I love him, there those words bring a glow to my eyes.

I guess I do know after all why I love him so.

And this is for the one true love of my life:

If I had to live my life without you near me

The days would all be empty

and the night would seem so lone

You I see forever all so clearly

I might have been in love before

but I never felt this strong

our dreams are young

and we both know they’ll take us where we want to go

hold me now, touch me now,

I don’t want to live without you

Nothing’s gonna change my love for you

You wanna know by now how much I love you

One thing you can be sure of

I’ll never ask for more than your love

If the road ahead is not so easy,

Our love will lead a way for us, like the guiding star

I’ll be there for you if you should need me

You don’t have to change a thing

I love you just the way you are

So come with me and share the view

I’ll help you see forever unto

hold me now, touch me now,

I don’t want to live without you

Nothing’s gonna change my love for you

You wanna know by now how much I love you

One thing you can be sure of

I’ll never ask for more than your love

Nothing’s gonna change my love for you

You wanna know by now how much I love you...

Time to move on

Her heart is heavy today, so very heavy. And that is not because of all the stress that she have been having for the past few weeks, but because today she knew that she had lost a friend, a very good friend. 

Why did things have to get complicated? Why did their friendship become such a mess? Things were fine just as they were. “Why, oh why did he have to propose to me?” She kept asking herself that question time and again but could not come up with an answer. When she had asked him, he said that he had really and madly fallen in love with her. 

Sara just didn’t know how to react to that. Now that changed things drastically. There was some awkwardness that has crept into the friendship now. They were always buddies, teasing each other and pulling each other’s legs yet always being there for each other. Now Ned felt that they would be happy as life partners and so he proposed. But the question was would she be happy? She liked or rather loved him as her friend and had not looked at him as anything else, but suddenly this issue had to pop up. And there was such a marked change now in both of them. They just didn’t seem to talk to each other as they used to earlier. The prank calls that he would make just to irritate her, with either a different accent or a different voice, all now seem to be a thing of a past. This is just like two people happily hopping along a path and then suddenly one of them tries to veer the other friend into a whole new direction. And when the friend realizes that it is not the way she wants to go, she tries to stop. But little does she know that this stop will bring about a breech in their earlier friendship and things will never be the same again. They will never go back to what they were.

She sat there in her office trying to concentrate on her work. But every other minute, her glance kept reverting back to the mobile in front of her. “I wish he would call”, she kept telling herself. But however hard she wished, there was still no call from him. Sara knew Ned even better than he knew himself. She knew exactly when he was upset and when there was something on his mind. They rarely met face to face but that did not matter at all. And this is what troubled her most, the fact that she knew him well. She knew how he had been hurt in the past and even today he hadn’t forgotten that. And now she didn’t want to be the one to hurt him again. Her circumstances would never allow them to be happy in life and Sara just did not want that for Ned. He deserved a lot better, much better that her.

She stood at the counter waiting for her boarding pass. This seemed to be the best option to her. There was no way she could still be around Ned, without him getting hurt or constantly being reminded of her refusal. She had to go away, move out of his life. There was no way that they could be the same friends that they were. Others would not understand but she knew, there was no going back, now only move forward. It was all for the good she kept telling herself. It was very hard to tell Ned that she was leaving the country. He just wouldn’t believe her and didn’t allow her to leave either. But she used the ruse of better career options and he knew her to be a very ambitious person. And she promised him that she would come to visit very often. Ned was not exactly overjoyed but he was happy for her. “I really love you Sara and I will always be there for you, remember that.” Ned had told her that and in her heart she knew this to be true but. There was always a ‘but’ involved.

Putting all these thoughts aside, Sara boarded the plane. She looked out of the window at the setting sun sending an ethereal glow in the horizon. It was beautiful, both Ned and Sara were always captivated by these sights and had spent many evenings together watching the setting sun but not today. She had already started missing Ned but she was determined to keep her resolve. Ned should never know. Ned would never find out how much she loved him, how much she cared for him. The day he proposed to her was by far, the most beautiful day in her life, but Ned would never know. She had to make sure of that. He had to move on and for that she had to move out. Closing her eyes, she made a simple prayer to keep Ned always happy Ned safe. As for her, she knew not, what she would do, or where she would go. The plane took off, and she took with her the most prized possession-memories of the beautiful times spent with Ned and these she would guard jealously for the rest of her short life.