Life is complicated

Life as I know it is complicated. And what could be worse than the fact that I make it more so? I mean I have taken my perfectly simple life and twisted and turned it about so much that I do not know where I am headed at the moment. I am right now standing at a point where I have to move ahead and make a new commitment. The very thought of it scares me and yet here I am still clinging on to a past that can’t be and making new complications with my existing friendships. Why oh why do I do this? Only questions can be asked and I am none the wiser. There are only questions left to be answered. Deep down in my heart, I know that I have to answer these questions by myself before I can truly be ready to make a commitment or think of my future in a positive light. Who am I really? What kind of a person am I? Am I good? Am I bad? Do I even matter in the lives of people whom I think close? Will they ever miss me when I am gone? Have I made a difference to anyone at all? I do have friends and I know that most of them love me for who I am, but what about the new person who will be entering my life? Will he ever understand? Can I be myself with him or will it be another façade that I’ll have to don? Incase you are wondering what this is rambling is all about? I am just going to start having alliances put across for matrimony. And to be honest, I am scared; I am scared about making such a huge decision. Will I ever meet the right person? And how will I know that he is the one for me? Knowing that this is the reality I am faced with, I actually dared to fall for another guy. Why does the heart always wish for something that is unattainable? Or is it actually the other way round? I crave for his attentions and care. It hurts when he says something harsh. Am I just going through another infatuation or is this yet another complication? You can wake a person who is sleeping but how do you wake someone who is only pretending to sleep? That seems to be my situation right now. I am refusing to believe the reality that is staring me right in the face. It is time to let go of the demons in my past and look forward to the future. I don’t know what is in store for me but I can only hope and pray that it is something good. I believe in God and I do believe that the Almighty will not let me fail. I have that faith in Him. But right now, I can only pray for strength. Pray for the courage to untangle myself from the existing webs and not get into other complications. It is one life and I have got to live it to the best of my ability. Whatever the future might hold for me, I know that I am blessed to have a few friends who are going to see me through it. I don’t know what I would do if it was not for their faith in me and the support that they have always given me. Time to sign of now, with a little hesitancy and still all the fears in my heart…

Crossroads

My mother has often told me that life comes in phases; we go through one after the other just as the moon wanes. So I guess this is just another phase that I am going through. But I am not alone in this; I have quite a few friends who also happen to be standing on the threshold of something bigger. You are wondering why I have gotten so philosophical.

Well the reason is quite simple though I am not sure if my thoughts are just as clear. One of my best friends got married recently and loyal friend that I claim to be, I was there for her wedding. It was a splendid affair with all the rituals, customs and traditions you would see in a typical Hindu marriage. There was lots of fun, teasing about, dances and a bit of tears too! The tears part always come in, because you know that your daughter, the apple of your eye will from then on be starting a new life.

We were three of us who did our Post Graduate studies together. Though like any other normal friendship, ours too went through a period of affliction, but the important thing is that we rose above it and our bond grew stronger as we tried to understand each other better. And as we sat down to a sumptuous Indian regal feast, my friend commented to me how far we had come within the span of about two years. A few months ago, we were just three silly girls discussing and fantasizing about the future and where we would go with all our high and lofty dreams, and yet there we were, attending our friend’s wedding.

Our mind does have the habit of playing dirty tricks, and mine chose that very day to get nostalgic and sentimental. I went into rewind mode and was replaying all the days spent together, be I in person, over the phone or most importantly during our lectures in class. Each and every thing we did came back to mind. Bunking class to go out to the food court, coming late, and the hell we would rise when it was time to submit our assignments. It would not be fair on my part if I don’t mention the additional course that my friend was taking- Masters in Social Service! (That’s a private joke though)

Suddenly all those memories seemed so close to the heart, so dear, even the tough times we went through. But those were now too distant, what mattered most was that we were with her on her most important day. We had promised her that we would be there and I should thank the Almighty for making that happen. Seeing our best friend get married was such a beautiful event. Something that we will treasure.

Looking at her glowing radiantly on her wedding day, I felt very happy for her and sent a silent prayer unto Heaven above. But the happiness was laced with a little bit sadness. She was no longer just our friend. She had a new life, a new beginning, and new roles to contend with. But if you knew her as well as we do, there will be no doubt in your heart that she would come through with flying colors. A few tears were shed on that account but let’s not get into the sad part. It was a day of celebration, she was stepping into a new phase and we, her friends were right beside her.

I feel very proud to have known her and more grateful to both my best friends to have accepted me for whom I am, with my eccentricities and all. I couldn’t have asked for a better gift than the companionship of my closest friends and especially at the crossroad that I am standing at right now in life. With all the difficult choices that we will have to make, I know they will be there right beside me. I do hope that when I have to move into a new life, I muster at least a fraction of the courage and bravery that my friend has shown.

I guess this is what my mother was talking about. We were born into a family, being their pampered princess, we grew up, learnt to deal with life and some how win too, we are daughters, sisters, and friends and then everything changes. We become someone’s wife. That is a whole new identity we get and yet, we take on the challenge. But life gets so much easier when you have great friends such as mine.

Three cheers to our friendship…

This is what dreams are made of...

Whitney sat at her desk typing away on her system, trying her best to concentrate on the report that had to be finished, but her thoughts were elsewhere and most definitely not on the task at hand. Questions were running through her mind at top speed, questions that she had no answers to at the time. Varied subjects that her mind was grappling with most of them beyond her scope of comprehension, but deal with them, she must. This she knew for sure, after all, it was her life and she was done with others making her decisions for her. Where had it landed her? In a worthless job where she was always invisible?

At 24, Whitney was quite normal looking though it was her innocence that drew people to her. She had finished her professional degree and also gone on to finish her Master’s degree with distinction. By the looks of her anyone would describe her as a timid person, but only her close friends knew, behind that mask of outward timidity lay a well of emotional strength and a very strong will. Whitney was an ordinary girl but normal might not be the best way to describe her. All her life she was told what to do and what not to do and in the whole process of trying to do all those things, Whitney had lost herself. She had lost her identity. Even she couldn’t answer who she was anymore. In all her years of existence, what had she achieved so far? Nothing! Another day was over in her monotonous life and Whitney packed her stuff and left for the day. Driving home that day, she was still deeply engrossed in her thoughts. They had been intermittently clobbering her mind the whole day, and she was no closer to a solution now than she had been earlier in the day. “This wouldn’t do!” She told herself. “I need to clear myself; I need to clear my mind and my heart. Maybe it is time that I listened to what my heart has got to say.”

She turned off the road and took the one that would directly take her to the beach. And in the middle of the week, the beach would be reasonably calmer, she reasoned. Parking her car, she got out without her sandals.

She took a leisurely stroll on the beach for a few minutes. The sun had set in the horizon and walking bare foot on the sand really felt good, the sand was mildly warm and the warmth was slowly seeping through her over-tired feet, making her feel relaxed. “God has a nice way of giving us foot massages, you just have to walk on the beach,” thinking out loud, she continued her sauntering.

Finally getting tired, she plopped down on the beach. Right from her childhood, the beach had been her most favorite spot, her ‘get-away place’ as she liked to call it. Sitting there on the sand, listening to the lapping of the waves was soothing to her nerves. Looking out into the horizon, she saw the last traces of the setting sun and the different orange hues that it was sending out in different directions. It was a sight to behold. As far as her eyes could see, she saw only the vast ocean lying ahead of her, miles and miles of water, with no seen boundaries whatsoever. The waters always beckoned to her, it was as though some friend was out there in the oceans and calling out to her to come join. She felt as though she had some dream there that she was trying to pick up. But what it was, she could not fathom and each time she came to the beach, it was the same. She couldn’t tear herself away from the ocean and would sit staring at the waters the whole day. Today was no different. The ocean was her only true friend, someone who would patiently listen to all that she had to say.

Whitney was tired of living a lie, tired of living her life for others. Everyone seemed to think that they knew what was best for her and that they could live her life better for her. She had doting parents and very loving siblings. Yes, her family was great; there was no doubt about that. Yet she was very lonely. No one had been able to understand her, they all loved her but could not understand her, her dreams and aspirations were totally different. This was not what she wanted to be doing with her life, not at all. She was doing this to please everyone around her. They all thought that a regular job is the way to go, you have security. But not Whitney, she was a dreamer, a very imaginative dreamer.

She could cook up stories with so much of ease that her friends joked that she should take up writing as a career. She also loved to paint, when no one was around to bother her. She craved for peaceful solitude. The interference in her life went on to the extent that her parents decided who she should date and who she shouldn’t. now that was not fair. All her friends got to make their share of mistakes and learnt from them too. There was only one person Whitney had truly loved since high school, but due to her family’s interference, she had to give him up too. It is not that she was not unhappy; she just thought that it would make everybody else happy. Well she had achieved what she had set out to do, everyone else was happy, so much so that even Kevin was happy with his new job, he was trying to forget her. But she was unhappy, her heart was broken and her life was a mess. She had a right to be unhappy. Every once in a while, she would still think about him, and miss him a lot. She had to let go, her mind knew that but her heart just wouldn’t listen.

Whitney had gotten so much accustomed to being subdued, and being told what to do and what not to do, that she no longer bothered to even argue with anyone. Why couldn’t they ever understand? Why couldn’t they see through her façade and see how miserable she was? Was it that easy to overlook her? Were they taking her silence to be her weakness? No one encouraged her dreams; they teased her if she told them anything, so she simply stopped telling them. The problem was not that her family did not care, but the problem was that they cared too much. They had crossed the line between being protective and being overprotective. Guess that came with the territory when one was the youngest at home.

She looked out at the ocean again, the waves were relentlessly, coming forward and then dying down, but in its places, a new wave arose, one which was more powerful. She could hear the ocean talking to her, telling her to continue dreaming. The ocean dug deep into its depth and came out with pearls of wisdom for Whitney. She was born a dreamer, she would always be a dreamer, and no one could take that away from her. And she knew what she had to do.

She had to get her life back. She had to start living her life on her terms. She had to learn to say no where it was necessary. This can’t be called being selfish, you can hardly call her that. It was time for some major changes in her life. With these thoughts coursing through her heart and soul, she looked out at the ocean again, and saw her friend waving to her. She could see her dreams on the distant horizon and this time, she was determined to reach them. She would make them all come true. There was no turning back, no going back to what she was going to leave behind. She had to be firm with her family; that was going to be difficult, but do it she most definitely would. The whole world was full of opportunities and she was going to start looking and making her place in the world, on her own terms. The clouds parted and the mist lifted, her heart felt so much lighter. It had taken her so long to make this decision. But now she was going to be happy. She was going to make her life happy. It was time to go. But before that she had one thing to do.

She got up from the beach and dusted her dress off. Searching in her purse, she got her cell phone and made a call. “Hello Kevin? ….”

Yes, this is what life was all about. This is what dreams are made of …

Why do i love him so?

Here I am sitting in my room, looking out of the balcony at the beautiful rain and peacefully listening to Enrique – “I have always loved you.” Its one of my favourite songs of all times not only because of the singer, but the song in itself strikes a chord in my heart. Deep in my heart, in one corner, I have one possession that I have guarded very jealously over the years. The one person whom I love, the one guy I have been crazy about since I was a little girl in pigtails. That is the term he gave me. I still can’t forget. He has been my best friend and then now, my love.

Why do I love him so? What is so special about him? For more than ten years now I have been trying hard to figure out the answers to those questions. But it has eluded me so far. Maybe I should stop pursuing the logic and wait for it to just come to me, just like chasing butterflies never gets you close to them. But once you stop going behind them, they might just come and settle on your fingers. I kept telling myself that this was just a schoolgirl crush that I couldn’t get off my mind, but when this crush turned into an obsession, I certainly do not know.

It started out just as any ordinary friendship while at school. I did have a crush on him in the sixth grade. “Is that an age to have a crush?” you wonder. Well yes and that was some time back in 1996. So it has now been about twelve years to be precise. We finished our elementary school and parted ways. After that I neither saw him nor heard from him but kept him strongly alive in my heart and in my memories.

Years later, we were destined to meet at a bus-stop, both being at a loss for words. I vividly remember coming back home and wondering if I had just been dreaming? No I hadn’t, it definitely was him, couldn’t have been anybody else!

We were both soon rediscovering each other, but still I held back from him all the feelings that I felt. How could I tell him all that? How would he react? I had just found my friend after almost seven years and I was in no hurry to lose him. I had to give it time. But on that particular day, his call took me by surprise, not more than what he had to say though. He told me about the feelings that he had for ever since we were in school, it left me astounded. How could two people be feeling the same thing for each other and yet both hesitated on their part to let the other person know. Then what made him tell me all this that day? Why hadn’t he told me earlier? Was it the same fear of losing the one you love? We both remembered the same incidents, the games we played together, the fights which seemed trivial now and above them all was the feelings, the love and the passion that burnt in each other’s hearts.

Time slowly crept and we both finished our college, and all through we were there for each other, helping out or just listening to the grandiose dreams for the future and sometimes only remembering the treasured memories. This was how our college days were spent, not exactly by meeting each other but mostly over the telephone. With our college now over, we had to think of our futures and plan for it. But how would we go about it? I left the country to pursue my higher education, but he was rarely out of my thoughts. We still held a very special place in each other’s hearts, one that no one could take away.

Deep down, I knew I belonged to him. I don’t know when this crush turned into love but I do know that I do not want to let go. Through these years I have learnt one thing though. Love has different forms and mine has taken the form where I have to let go. I cherish him more than anything in this world and just can’t see him hurt. I love him, I have said these words to myself so many times and yet those don’t cease to amaze me. Love is not just about holding on. My love for him is about knowing that I love him yet also knowing that I have to let go.

Back to answering questions? Why do I love him so? There might be many who know him and yet I do take pride in knowing him the best. When I look at him today, I don’t see the accomplished designer who is now pursuing his masters degree, instead I see the same guy I fell for over fourteen years ago, I see innocence and a vulnerability. When I look at him, I have the urge to hug him at tell him that everything is going to be just fine and that he needn’t worry. And worry he does. He is the kind of person who would call me and tell me that he hasn’t achieved much in his life and he isn’t being ambitious. But who would want a practical monotonous life with no love. I would rather be stuck to him, he who has a profound understanding of life and strives to live it in his own terms.

Whenever I look back at the times that I have spent with him, I just remember them with exuberance and ecstasy, each and every moment with him. I remember my childhood days with pleasure and he sure is one of the reasons for that,Whenever I am with him, I lose all sense of rationality and nothing seems wrong, what matters is that I am with him. Is this what love is all about? I guess so. The more I think about it, the more I love it.

He is a very simple person with no pretence whatsoever, why wouldn’t I love him. We have had our share disagreements but we have pulled through them. I love the way he says my name and I love the way he looks into my eyes. I am indeed forever smitten, no backing out now. I love the way he cares for me and to be shamefully honest, I love his possessiveness . One thing that I am sure of, I can be myself with him, not having to worry about putting up a façade that isn’t me. He loves me for who I am and I know that he understands me completely. The one other thing I love about him is who I am when I am with him. Sometimes he is like a little kid who just needs to be royally pampered and at times he needs to be reprimanded. he is my best friend, always there for me in my times of need as i hope to be for him, Nevertheless, he is all mine and I love him, there those words bring a glow to my eyes.

I guess I do know after all why I love him so.

And this is for the one true love of my life:

If I had to live my life without you near me

The days would all be empty

and the night would seem so lone

You I see forever all so clearly

I might have been in love before

but I never felt this strong

our dreams are young

and we both know they’ll take us where we want to go

hold me now, touch me now,

I don’t want to live without you

Nothing’s gonna change my love for you

You wanna know by now how much I love you

One thing you can be sure of

I’ll never ask for more than your love

If the road ahead is not so easy,

Our love will lead a way for us, like the guiding star

I’ll be there for you if you should need me

You don’t have to change a thing

I love you just the way you are

So come with me and share the view

I’ll help you see forever unto

hold me now, touch me now,

I don’t want to live without you

Nothing’s gonna change my love for you

You wanna know by now how much I love you

One thing you can be sure of

I’ll never ask for more than your love

Nothing’s gonna change my love for you

You wanna know by now how much I love you...

Why was it always her?

It had always been her. She was the loved one at home, there was no doubts about that. Jenny wondered what had gone wrong or where she had gone wrong. Daisy was her own sister, and yet mom and dad loved her more. Was it because she was more accomplished than Jenny? “No, that couldn’t be the reason,” Jenny thought. “Mom loves me too, and equally.” But a small voice from inside asked her, “Do you really think so?” And she had no answer to that. Right from when they were kids, Daisy was the more loved one at home. When she was very small, she had certain health complications and mom and dad thought she needed them more. They cared for both of them equally. But in the process of growing up, Jenny was expected to be more mature in her thinking than her age called for. Jenny loved Daisy with all her heart, who would not? And she was very protective and possessive of her but she also wanted her sister to grow up on her own fighting her own battles. That is what Jenny had done. Being the elder one at home, no one was really there to help her out. Mom would only listen to her problems and woes but nothing could be done. She had to face her own problems by herself. This made her quite a fighter. Jenny realised early that things would never be served to you in a silver platter unless you fight, more so being a girl.

But in all these struggle, there was one thing happening unknown both to Jenny and her parents. She was drifting away. There was a huge ridge building up between them. Though she loved her parents a lot, Jenny stopped showing it. She donned a mask of indifference. This soon turned into a habit, and soon her parents stopped trusting her much. To the outer world, she showed as though she didn’t care, but in her heart she was crying, she was miserable. Her own parents never understood her, they always doubted her. They always thought that she was up to no good. “Is this what they feel about me?” Jenny often pondered. ”What can I do to win their trust again? “Why can’t I be their darling daughter?” Questions than ran through her mind, that she had no answers to, try however hard she might; she just couldn’t figure them out.

One mask after the other, Jenny’s sweet nature was soon replaced. She came to the conclusion, no matter how hard she tried, her parents would never love her as much as they loved Daisy, so why bother?

There were small instances that got imprinted in her mind and would never be forgotten. They were always comparing their two daughters. Why couldn’t they understand? Daisy and Jenny were as different as night and day, they both had their own different attributes that made them unique. But no, her parents saw Daisy’s uniqueness but never understood Jenny’s.

As years passed, Jenny grew to be a much admired young lady but she still yearned for her mother’s love and affection and more so for her understanding, things that were never to be. Her love for her parents was still the same but it had grown passive over the time. She learnt not to show any emotion on her face, whether love or hurt and her parents felt that she had lost all emotion. Now she was being accused of being selfish. One day, things having gone beyond her tolerance and patience, Jenny burst out, Mother, you say that I am selfish, but who do you think made me this way?” But even at that time, her mother was overwhelmed and she started crying. Now Jenny had decided, “That’s just about it! There is no way mom will ever understand what I went through or am still going through.” Living at home was becoming unbearable. Jenny could not connect to the people at home, she never felt part of them. She knew only one thing, she had to get out of that place. She really did not call it home so it did not affect her much and moreover no one was going to miss her, except her sister Daisy. But she had to do this for herself. Now was the time to be really selfish. The best thing for her family was her staying away from the family. And this was what Jenny intended to do. But every cloud has a silver lining, and the silver lining in Jenny’s life was that her sister loved her more than anything else in the world. The two girls were very close and were best of friends. Nothing that happened between her and her parents ever affected her relationship with Daisy. And Jenny was very thankful to the Lord Almighty for that. Every morning she thanked God for her sister whom Jenny loved too. Nothing would ever change that. What happened between her and her parents would never ruin anything. Here was one person who understood Jenny and loved her for who she was and expected nothing in return.

Time to move on

Her heart is heavy today, so very heavy. And that is not because of all the stress that she have been having for the past few weeks, but because today she knew that she had lost a friend, a very good friend. 

Why did things have to get complicated? Why did their friendship become such a mess? Things were fine just as they were. “Why, oh why did he have to propose to me?” She kept asking herself that question time and again but could not come up with an answer. When she had asked him, he said that he had really and madly fallen in love with her. 

Sara just didn’t know how to react to that. Now that changed things drastically. There was some awkwardness that has crept into the friendship now. They were always buddies, teasing each other and pulling each other’s legs yet always being there for each other. Now Ned felt that they would be happy as life partners and so he proposed. But the question was would she be happy? She liked or rather loved him as her friend and had not looked at him as anything else, but suddenly this issue had to pop up. And there was such a marked change now in both of them. They just didn’t seem to talk to each other as they used to earlier. The prank calls that he would make just to irritate her, with either a different accent or a different voice, all now seem to be a thing of a past. This is just like two people happily hopping along a path and then suddenly one of them tries to veer the other friend into a whole new direction. And when the friend realizes that it is not the way she wants to go, she tries to stop. But little does she know that this stop will bring about a breech in their earlier friendship and things will never be the same again. They will never go back to what they were.

She sat there in her office trying to concentrate on her work. But every other minute, her glance kept reverting back to the mobile in front of her. “I wish he would call”, she kept telling herself. But however hard she wished, there was still no call from him. Sara knew Ned even better than he knew himself. She knew exactly when he was upset and when there was something on his mind. They rarely met face to face but that did not matter at all. And this is what troubled her most, the fact that she knew him well. She knew how he had been hurt in the past and even today he hadn’t forgotten that. And now she didn’t want to be the one to hurt him again. Her circumstances would never allow them to be happy in life and Sara just did not want that for Ned. He deserved a lot better, much better that her.

She stood at the counter waiting for her boarding pass. This seemed to be the best option to her. There was no way she could still be around Ned, without him getting hurt or constantly being reminded of her refusal. She had to go away, move out of his life. There was no way that they could be the same friends that they were. Others would not understand but she knew, there was no going back, now only move forward. It was all for the good she kept telling herself. It was very hard to tell Ned that she was leaving the country. He just wouldn’t believe her and didn’t allow her to leave either. But she used the ruse of better career options and he knew her to be a very ambitious person. And she promised him that she would come to visit very often. Ned was not exactly overjoyed but he was happy for her. “I really love you Sara and I will always be there for you, remember that.” Ned had told her that and in her heart she knew this to be true but. There was always a ‘but’ involved.

Putting all these thoughts aside, Sara boarded the plane. She looked out of the window at the setting sun sending an ethereal glow in the horizon. It was beautiful, both Ned and Sara were always captivated by these sights and had spent many evenings together watching the setting sun but not today. She had already started missing Ned but she was determined to keep her resolve. Ned should never know. Ned would never find out how much she loved him, how much she cared for him. The day he proposed to her was by far, the most beautiful day in her life, but Ned would never know. She had to make sure of that. He had to move on and for that she had to move out. Closing her eyes, she made a simple prayer to keep Ned always happy Ned safe. As for her, she knew not, what she would do, or where she would go. The plane took off, and she took with her the most prized possession-memories of the beautiful times spent with Ned and these she would guard jealously for the rest of her short life.

What is life all about?

What is life all about?

This is indeed food for thought. All of us have different notions about life and also different ways of going about it. In this fast paced world today, have we ever really stopped to think about our lives and where exactly we are heading? I bet most of us have. Even in all hustle and bustle of everyday, people do find the time to reminiscence about all that is past.

I am basically a friendly person and love life. I embrace each day as it comes and live every moment. There are time when I just sit in the balcony and wonder what life holds for me a few years down the line. But this can be dangerous at times, because there is a lot of difference between wondering what life will be like and wanting life to be a certain way. This just leads you to build up unnecessary expectations and then get disappointed if they are not fulfilled. Does that mean we should not dream? Ofcourse not. Dreams are an intergral part of life, but we must have the will to transform our dreams into reality. But now if you dream of marrying Bill Gates's daughter, then fat chance. Maybe not for all but yeah surely for some of us. Dreams do lead us to our destinations. I suggest if you have not read it already, you should read The Alchemist by Coelho.

We go through so many different phases in our life and each one moves to give way to another and these just become passing clouds. Have you thought about this? While growing up, we had such simple wishes and fantacies and yet as we grow older, our dreams take the form of greed. We know that we have more than many others in the world but still we yearn for more and more. The need for more is always on. We compare ourselves with other people and covet what they have not being just satisfied. Where is this going to lead us? To another level MORE, as though it is not high enough already. I guess people have got what we can call the MORE Syndrome.This is my way of thinking and I know for sure, there are many more out there who will debate with me about this. So what are you waiting for? I cant wait to hear from all you people about what you think and what you have got to say.

Lets get blogging people...