Saturday, 16 January 2010

Life is complicated

Life as I know it is complicated. And what could be worse than the fact that I make it more so? I mean I have taken my perfectly simple life and twisted and turned it about so much that I do not know where I am headed at the moment. I am right now standing at a point where I have to move ahead and make a new commitment. The very thought of it scares me and yet here I am still clinging on to a past that can’t be and making new complications with my existing friendships. Why oh why do I do this? Only questions can be asked and I am none the wiser. There are only questions left to be answered. Deep down in my heart, I know that I have to answer these questions by myself before I can truly be ready to make a commitment or think of my future in a positive light. Who am I really? What kind of a person am I? Am I good? Am I bad? Do I even matter in the lives of people whom I think close? Will they ever miss me when I am gone? Have I made a difference to anyone at all? I do have friends and I know that most of them love me for who I am, but what about the new person who will be entering my life? Will he ever understand? Can I be myself with him or will it be another fa├žade that I’ll have to don? Incase you are wondering what this is rambling is all about? I am just going to start having alliances put across for matrimony. And to be honest, I am scared; I am scared about making such a huge decision. Will I ever meet the right person? And how will I know that he is the one for me? Knowing that this is the reality I am faced with, I actually dared to fall for another guy. Why does the heart always wish for something that is unattainable? Or is it actually the other way round? I crave for his attentions and care. It hurts when he says something harsh. Am I just going through another infatuation or is this yet another complication? You can wake a person who is sleeping but how do you wake someone who is only pretending to sleep? That seems to be my situation right now. I am refusing to believe the reality that is staring me right in the face. It is time to let go of the demons in my past and look forward to the future. I don’t know what is in store for me but I can only hope and pray that it is something good. I believe in God and I do believe that the Almighty will not let me fail. I have that faith in Him. But right now, I can only pray for strength. Pray for the courage to untangle myself from the existing webs and not get into other complications. It is one life and I have got to live it to the best of my ability. Whatever the future might hold for me, I know that I am blessed to have a few friends who are going to see me through it. I don’t know what I would do if it was not for their faith in me and the support that they have always given me. Time to sign of now, with a little hesitancy and still all the fears in my heart…