Wednesday, 16 February 2011

Losing myself

Its been a very long time since I stopped to take stock of my life. And now that I have decided to do so today, I find myself to be totally lost.
"Naa jaane kahan se aayi thi,
naa jaane kahan ko jaana hai"
The same questions are haunting me by day and transforming into vivid nightmares by night. What kind of a predicament am I in? I don't seem to be in too much trouble,but I am barely afloat in this storm of life..
Coming right back to it. I am lost in this journey and ironically I have also lost sight of who I really am and those unique and sometimes irritating traits that make me or rather have made me to be the person I am today
In the time I took to write this blog, almost three of my friends came on chat and the same old questions, "How are you?" and "what are you upto these days?" Simple though these may seem to be others, I couldn't answer them honestly. Courtesy required me to reply politely to both, I didn't want to overload them with my confusions and chase away those few who still stop by to say hi and inquire after me. Then I asked myself, "Am I really alright?" and "What really am I doing these days?" Again no answers..
This is where frustration begins to seep in. Why am I not ok? Why isn't something good happening? Why don't I have answers? It is my life for crying out loud!!!
I look around me and see people having problems with their lovers, in-laws, parents,etc.From where I stand, those seem to be more manageable compared to the internal war raging inside me.
Am I blowing this out of proportion or am I worrying the right amount? I don't know but here I am penning my feelings hoping that there would suddenly be a flash of light and clarity of thoughts
In the whole hustle and bustle of trying to fit in, I lost myself and am slowing losing my identity. I wish I could go back to that rebellious girl who really wasn't dependent on anyone. I lived life the way I liked it and expected people to accept who I am never forcing they to fit into my norms. Then why is it being expected of me? Why am I asked to change? Asked to fit in?
I have to figure out what I am really meant to do.. Where do I really want to go? Am I on the right track, in the right direction ? Or should I being going in an entirely different path? What is my destiny and whom should I allow to accompany me on this? Or should I walk the distance all alone? I s that what I am meant to do? Is that how I will ever succeed?
Is this what everyone claims to be "The Journey of Self Discovery?????????"